


I never want to leave you (but I can't make you bleed if I'm alone)

by tinyblonderocketwoman



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Domestic, F/F, Fluff and Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-09
Updated: 2018-03-09
Packaged: 2019-03-29 05:33:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13920441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinyblonderocketwoman/pseuds/tinyblonderocketwoman
Summary: Vanessa thinks Charity doesn't care about Johnny.





	I never want to leave you (but I can't make you bleed if I'm alone)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [serenascampbell](https://archiveofourown.org/users/serenascampbell/gifts).



> don't know how I feel about this so let me know what you think!

“You finished eating that, mate?” Charity said to Johnny, whisking his plate away and gently tickling him under the chin before hauling him out of his high chair and allowing him to run across the room to his half-built Duplo tower.

Vanessa spun round from where she had been scrubbing mud out of her nails at the sink, oblivious to the affectionate interaction just shared between her girlfriend and son and frowned at Charity.

“Do you even know his name, or do you just call him mate and babe and hope for the best?” she hissed. She didn’t really understand why she was feeling so sensitive to the subject all of a sudden, like Rhona’s comment hadn’t been a joke. At least she thought it had been a joke when she’d announced that Charity had offered to pick Johnny up from the nursery and give him his tea tonight while she worked late and the response she’d received was something along the lines of “she’s just trying to cart him off to bed faster so she can get in your pants”.

But the comment had stayed with her as she toyed through the other times she’d thought Charity saw her son as a necessary inconvenience. When he’d said he loved her and she’d walked out of the room. When he’d called her Mummy and she’d told him that only Vanessa was his Mummy, she was just Charity. He was barely more than a baby; her lack of response made no difference to him but Vanessa noticed.

Charity was oblivious to the seriousness of Vanessa’s question.

“Of course, I know Jamie’s name. Wait! Jackie. Joshy?” The glint in her eye faded as she began to notice that Vanessa wasn’t smiling. Not from her mouth and certainly nothing from her eyes. Her eyes were weary and not just because she’d had a long day. She looked resigned to something, like she’d been disappointed but had never really expected otherwise. Charity was about to question it when Vanessa’s face hardened determinedly, and she didn’t get the chance as Vanessa spoke.

“Okay. We get it. He’s my son, not yours. Not your responsibility.” And with that she walked over to Johnny, picked him up and carried him and his multi-storey carpark in the making upstairs.

 

They didn’t see each other again until Johnny had been put to bed. Charity walked into the room to see Vanessa sat on the sofa staring at a blank TV screen, and she wasn’t expecting to win any prizes for guessing what was playing on her mind. She stared at her from the doorway for a long second and then hurried to take a seat next to her, looking at her with an unblinking stare that through the fear was begging Vanessa to look back at her.

“His name is Johnny. He’s 2 years 4 months old. He was born at Hotten General on the eleventh of September. His Dad is a prize prick. His favourite food is banana. He won’t eat any vegetable except carrot. He drinks better if it’s in the cup with the green lid. His favourite TV show is Octonauts but his favourite character is Peter Rabbit.” For a while Vanessa was confused as to what was going on but now she’s looking apologetically, if a little surprised at her girlfriend.

“Charity-“ she tried to begin, but Charity was in full flow.

“He loves having his hair washed and I’ve never seen him laugh harder than when he found out how to give himself a bubble beard. His favourite bedtime story is Big Bear, Little Bear and he laughs when you do different voices. He loves the Disney store. He likes being tucked in with one arm in and one arm out. His best friend is that horrible mauled elephant and when he’s upset he strokes his cheek with its ear. He wants to be an Astronaut or a Gardener or a Barmaid. He’s scared of pigeons and hand dryers. He dances to Little Mix and Rihanna. His favourite nursery rhyme is Old MacDonald. He knows almost every word to Wonderwall and he doesn’t know any of the words to Bohemian Rhapsody but he likes to sing along anyway. He has so much energy. When he gets stroppy his nose twitches.”

Vanessa is still staring at her like she has three heads, and they stay like that for a while, eyes locked. Charity’s eyes go a lot greener when she’s excited but Vanessa’s not noticed before how pale they go when they’re filled with tears. Like they’ve been diluted.

“Why... why do you act like he’s nothing to do with you?” Vanessa whispers.

Charity sighs and takes her time before responding, like it’s a hard question, like she hasn’t known the entire time. It’s finding the words that Charity Dingle always struggles with. She doesn’t normally care whether the words that come tumbling out of her mouth are the right ones or not, but this is Vanessa, so she does.

“I know you think I don’t care about him. And with the precedent I’ve set with my own that’s probably fair enough, and I know you want someone good in his life and I know that’s not me, alright, I do... but I love that little boy Ness.” She’s pleading now and Vanessa suddenly realises there’s no case to argue. “I act like he’s nothing to do with me because I ruin everything, probably even this one day and Johnny... Johnny is your baby Vanessa and I couldn’t be further away from what he deserves if I tried. I don’t want to ruin him.”

The tears that had pooled in her eyes were falling now.

“I didn’t want you to think that because we’re doing this that meant I thought I was worthy of, of co-parenting him or whatever. I didn’t want you to think that I thought I had any right to that with how I am. How I’ve been with mine. I don’t want you to feel obligated to share him with me and I don’t want you to think I’d assume you’d trust me with that. Cause I understand yeh? I know I’m not a good mum.” She scoffs a little but there’s no humour. “I wouldn’t want me in my child’s life either.”

For a moment there’s a pause and Vanessa sees the flash of haunting that sometimes clouds her eyes. Never for long but always for long enough.

“I just thought if I wasn’t really anything to him then I couldn’t let him down, you know? He’s yours. He’s _yours_ , how could I not love him? He’s precious. And he’s better off if he’s nothing to do with me Ness and I’d rather that than end up hurting him.” She finishes resolutely despite the tear tracks that she’d given up wiping away and she finally looks away from Vanessa, hiding the truth in her eyes that was begging to be understood. To be heard.

Vanessa hears her. She hears years of pain and regret and anguish and sorrow, years of Charity backing herself into corners that she thought other people were pushing her into. She hears that Charity loves her son. So Vanessa’s voice is gentle and her thoughts are calmed as she takes Charity’s hands in her own.

“Charity. Charity please look at me."

She waits for Charity's eyes to return to her own before she continues.

"You aren’t nothing to him. And God is he better off with you in his life. _You_ taught him the bubble beard. He asks for _you_ when it’s bedtime because he’s fully aware that my voices aren’t up to scratch. You taught him how to ward away monsters in the dark. You showed him how to pick flowers for me." She laughs a little. “He wants to be a bloody barmaid for god sake because somebody has given him the impression that that means an endless supply of lemonade on the sly. Yes I know you don’t pay attention to my rules!” And Vanessa can’t even find it within her to pretend to frown at Charity for that right now.

“And,” Vanessa continues, “Because one of his favourite people in the whole world, one of the most important people in his life is one. He looks up to you Charity, he wants to be exactly like you.”

“He shouldn’t." Charity’s voice breaks and Vanessa’s heart with it.

“Why not?”

Charity looks at her with genuine concern, like she’s entirely certain that Vanessa has lost her mind. She’s sure she’s suffering from amnesia at the very least.

“When he looks at you what do you think he sees? Do you think he sees the mistakes you made in the past? Do you think he sees what my Dad and Megan see, what Cain sees? What Joe Tate sees? God, do you think I do?”

Vanessa doesn’t get an answer, but she ploughs on anyway, because she knows that Charity needs to hear this.

“Of course he doesn’t. He sees someone who looks after him. Someone who’d kill for him, the way she would with any of her kids. You make him laugh. He's happier when you walk into the room. He sees a kind, clever, beautiful woman. We both do. I didn’t doubt for a second that he loved you, you know. I was just so scared you wouldn’t let him.”

They sat in silence for a few seconds. Heads together, fingers interlocked. When Vanessa speaks again, it’s clear she’s struggling to maintain her composure.

“When Kirin left, I didn’t wish for anything except that my son could just have a Dad who loved and valued him enough to stay. I wanted him to have that presence in his life. Because you’re right, he does deserve that. But you’re it. You came along and you were everything Kirin could never be, even though you’d decided that wasn’t what you were doing. It doesn’t matter what you call it Charity, you’re what he needs. And you’ve been too hard on yourself for too long. You’re a good Mum. You love your children. Whatever mistakes you make or have made, you always come back to them. That’s all I want for him.”

Charity finally lifts her eyes to Vanessa’s, searching for any sign of uncertainty. She finds none.


End file.
